dude...

my back is killing me to day. ={

shits weak.

have you ever played the game called "shits weak?"
its where you lie to someone, about something almost believeable but a little out there, but make them believe it. and when they do, you say "shits weak."
OR if you play a prank, or they say something or do something stupid, i guess thats considered part of the game too.
but mainly its, when you lie about something.
i used to play that game all the time, but not anymore.
one time, ryan and ben thought it would be hilarious to get me really good one day. and that was the end of the shits weak game for me.
story time!!!
it was when ryan and i were talking/texting/ hanging out ALOT before we started dating...
and he would always send me a text in the morning saying "jeeennnnnnnnn"
well one morning i didnt get one, and it was around 11 oclock am. i just figured he was sleeping, or whatever... didnt think much of it.
around 1, i still hadnt talked to him, and thought about texting him first and saying hi. i didnt. then bill texted me asking if i had talked to ryan and i said no. and bill started the whole thing off by saying... "oh. well we got drunk last night, and he was gone this morning when i woke up" (they used to get hotels alot. better than staying on a ship. navy guys. ugh)
so i sent ryan a message thinking he went to base and slept in his car til he had to go to work.
didnt get any response.
THEN, ben called me, sounding all concerned, asking if i was with ryan. and if i had talked to him, because he was supposed to be at work.
now... when ben gets involved with anything... he doesnt usually get involved with this kind of shit. so i took him seriously.
about an hour went by, and bill texted me again... asking if i had talked to ryan yet.
so i warned bill, that if i was getting shits weaked right now, i was going to be furious.
it was around... 8pm, id say... and i get a call from some random number and its some guy claiming to be a doctor for a mr ryan tar -tar. and he said ryan was in a drinking and driving car accident on the 15 north, (going towards my house) and that he was in a coma.
looking back now, im a fucking retard for believeing this... because why would i be his next of kin or in case of emergency? and not his dad??? haha!
but i believed it all the same.
i tried to be calm and listen to what the hell, the guy was saying. but he stuttered alot and talked slow.

so i asked my room mates if they would watch my son, so i could go to the hospital with ben, to see if he was ok. bla bla bla...
about 2 minutes later, ben calls me... and he sounded all panicked... and goes.. "SHITS WEAK!!!"
i was so pissed. i hung up on him.

spreading ashes.

my friend kallie was here all this last week.
it was pretty fun having her out here! although i think ryan was a little shy... he wasnt acting himself around her. but, in his defense, if you dont know kallie... its pretty hard to be yourself. hah!
while she was out here, we spread some of her brothers/my friends ashes. he died a little over 6 years ago now... it was a car accident. drinking and driving.
it seems so cliche now. drinking and driving. ...
after john died, he became a legend in my hometown. a whole organization was made in his memory.... his dreams are being lived out by his siblings and friends. over and over again. people still talk about him to this day. repeating memories they have with him. we all miss him. alot.
but spreading his ashes, made it seem like suuuuper real that he was gone. and never coming back. but at the same time, it was like... a really nice goodbye.
i could just picture him in my head, waving goodbye as he walked away.
i tried not to have too much of a reaction while we were doing the spreading of the ashes. no tears, or talking... just had to shut my trap for a second.
i didnt want to upset kallie. his baby sister. my friend. someone i had promised john i would always look after...
when john was alive, i remember him walking into my boyfriends house (bf at the time, now ex husband) and telling me, his little sister was starting school at granada. (my high school) and he said "can you watch out for her? i dont want her to get in trouble... and shes starting to notice boys. and shes got HUGE CANS... so i know boys are lookin at her... can you just keep an eye on her for me?"
turns out john really had nothing to worry about... his sister is a lesbian. sooo... she was definately not noticing boys. =p
but all the same... i still look out for her til this day. and i know shes a grown woman now, with a family of her own. (ok she has a kid... but ONLY because she wanted one. NOT because she liked a boy) and i know john would be proud of her. and he would LOVE his nephew to death. i see alot of john in his nephew. (i sometimes wonder if kallie does too... shes never said anything about it)

rest in peace, johnny o. we all miss you. everyday.

where oh where has my appetite gone?

i havent been very hungry lately...
i dont know why!
yesterday, i ate once at noon. and then again at 11 pm. its now 1225 the next day, and im still not hungry.
UMMMMMMM.....

getting back into the routine of things is hard to do

soo my boyfriend is back. and im SOOO excited! =] hes fucking amazing in every single way.
-gorgeous
-funny
-amazingly in shape
-extremely sweet
-caring
-attentive
all the good things a man can POSSIBLY have, he has.
but its so weird having him back home after so long. we are having a bit of an issue getting back into the routine of things...bed times. sleeping arrangements, eating, cooking, cleaning, waking up.
everything is out of whack.
ive always been an incredibly independant person, and now that hes been gone for so long, ive become even more independant. i cook when i want to eat, i sleep when im tired, i sleep where i pass out. i clean when im not too lazy. and i wake up to go to school.
but... lately, its go to bed with him, eat when hes hungry, clean up after him AND his friends. wake up at the ass crack of dawn with him, so he can go to work.
im SOOO not used to it.
but im more than extremely happy hes back! i love my man. with all my heart!!!
just hope we get into a routine soon... orim gonna lose my mind.

i hate weird dreams that leave you hanging.

last night i had the weirdest, most random, out of nowhere dream...

i was sitting in a pretty nice living room, that seemed to be mine, i was quite comfortable and felt at home.
and a knock on the door.
i walked to open it, and i saw a bunch of cops. and for a second i almost didnt answer the door. but i did, and they were holding this werid neon light thing, that said "helper."
i looked at them confused and faked a smile, and asked what i could do for them.
and one of the cops, a short, chubby, bald guy with glasses told me very nicely they were rewarding me. for being the towns "best helper". and he handed me the neon light thing.
i remember looking around the group of cops, and seeing a very attractive one, close to the back. smiling at me. blonde hair, tall, blue/green eyes. masculine features. looked really nice.
and he was holding a green coat.
then it flashed to me standing next to the cute cop, holding the coat around me. something bad had happened and he was comforting me. (im not sure what) but we were all standing outside on a deck, and it had to be the middle of summer, because everything was green, and there were trees everywhere.
then another flash to me sitting at the cop shop and im sitting in the back room with the cute cop, whose name i found out was "terry"  , and he and i were flirting. but then his face disappeared. i couldnt see it anymore. but i wasnt bothered by it.
then another flash, to me sitting on the same couch again in the same living room where the dream began, and i caught myself thinking about the cute cop. i tried to text him, but didnt know his number. so i called the cop shop and asked for him.
he was the one who answered the phone, and was happy to hear from me, ... i think he said something like "its about time i heard from you! ive been waiting for you to get ahold of me, so i can see you."
another flash, to me sitting on a hay ride trailor, and the cute cop sitting next to me. im enjoying his company and he is enjoying mine.
then my current boyfriend walks up, looking incredibly confused. i remember feeling guilty, and a little annoyed at the same time. so my boyfriend sat next to me, and pleaded with me to go home with him. and i remember i hesitated. thinking, what if i never see this guy again?
flash to me sitting on that couch again, and im trying to text terry cute cop and say "im sorry but i cant see you anymore. i love ryan" ...ryan sat next to me on that couch, grabbed my phone and chucked it at the wall...
i wake up.
seriously... what the hell kind of dream is that!??!?!?!?!?!

lets get to know me. =]

ive been wanting to have a blog for quite some time now... but never really thought anyone would read it, or care to read it... or even ... WHATEVER. either way... im writing this blog for ME. it will be my own personal space to vent, or brag, or just ramble on about random shit that im thinking about. and if anyone wants to read it... SO BE IT!!!
i feel that im interesting enough, that people LOVE to be nosey about whats going on in my life.
i grew up in a SMALL town, in rural minnesota. im pretty sure all anyone has ever heard about minnesota is that we all talk funny, and have horrid winters. well the general public is right, we all talk funny, and yes... the winters can be next to unbearable. which is why i moved TO SUNNY SAN DIEGO! (go me!)
ive lived here for a total of 5 years now, would have been 6, but i went back to minnesota for a stint in time... BIG MISTAKE. (long story. im sure ill write about and give more deets later on...)

right now, i go to school. for hair, makeup, skin, nails, and waxing. i absolutely adore it...and im almost done, and i have a feeling i will have a freak out panic attack the day i graduate. its become alot like a home to me... and i just know, me leaving means im a big kid now!!!
i have a child. his name is nolan. hes amazing, and a fucking god send in my life!
(i know everyone says that.... big whoop. wanna fight about it?) hes incredible. and smart! and extremely funny.
after many years of being with guys who were OH SO WRONG for me... ive finally found someone i believe was really, and truly made especially just for me.
his name is ryan. ive never been ga-ga over a guy like him before, and he is almost my complete opposite, but at the same time EXACTLY like me. true love has taken its form in my relationship with him.

to get a little bit more personal, i like to make lists. heres a list about me.
im fancy. but not really. i like to pretend.
i love owning nice things. (who doesnt?)
movies. yes.
i make HORRIBLE first impressions.
im always innappropriate.
i find humor in the dumbest things.
my friends love me.
im incredibly far too popular for my own good.
ive never turned down a glass of wine.
my family is pretty uptight, and im the oddball.
im not really religious, but i believe in a higher power.
every 3 months, i change my look darastically.
i am probably the funnest person to have on road trips ever.
i can be incredibly selfish.
but i can also be incredibly giving.
i rarely ever forgive anyone, for anything.
im extremely judgemental.
i get annoyed easily, but i am really good at hiding it.
i love to make lists.

ok... well im getting bored. enjoy!
i know i will!!!!!
lots o love....